Brain Pain

First I know the title is stupid but I really don't care. Lately, I have just been realizing something sort of maddening: You can never know what people are thinking. Trust me it's impossible.

For a while I thought I had a pretty good grasp on what other people thought but then I came to the realization that not everyone thinks like me. You can hear two people explain the same situation and just because they both were there doesn't mean anything. The perception of body language or tone of voice can be so contrasting from person to person. And sometimes I assume what people are thinking by their mannerisms but really all I understand about their thought process is based on how I process things. Of which I have learned is very different compared to others. Now this can be rather annoying because you are always uncertain about what others perception is and you can never completely anticipate what they think. It's something that can become misleading when you jump to conclusions that are probably not true. Then it doesn't help that people can easily lie about what they think, so you have to question if what they say is even true or not. And see maybe you don't suspect for people to lie because you don't, but I know sometimes I do, so I assume others do too, when in fact they might not at all. You see my predicament. This also goes with how differently people interact with other people.

For example, I'm not one to necessarily voice my emotions much or because I know they don't really matter. But I have come to work on this because people need to know how much they are appreciated and see I think they can tell by they way I talk to them and what not, but that's not always the case. Because if I've established a friendship with someone, we're cool, in my mind I don't need to tell them they're great because they probably already know that. But I have come to realize that message isn't always transferred. So what do I do, just tell them flat out. For some this comes very naturally but for me it takes a lot. I feel like I'm telling people what they already know, but really they might not know at all. Or like the habit of saying sorry. With me I feel sorry about things, but if I know I shouldn't feel sorry about them, I won't voice my regrets. Because I know when I do, I'm just looking for a free compliment, like why are you sorry you're the best I love you, sort of stuff, knowing this is how I work, my assumption is that everyone thinks this way. So I get critical of others, but really they could just truly be sincere. But it also goes the same way because some people will think that I don't feel bad about a situation because I didn't apologize when they would have, so they think I don't appreciate them or I'm mean, but really I just didn't voice my apology. Since, that's not how I see things it's hard to relate. So I usually try to figure out who I need to apologize to and who I don't, but since I have no clue what their view is I'm left with no sense of what to do. I hope this makes sense, see it does to me.

Or like how some people are shy and others are more flirty and what not. Well, if you're shy and a flirty person talks to you, both of the perceptions would be contrasting. It's like in pride and prejudice with Jane and Mr. Bingley. Jane didn't even show her true emotions even to her own sister, and Mr. Darcey thought that Mr. Bingley liked her more that she liked him. Obviously not. It's all just so confusing. But also kind of exciting. It always keeps me on my toes. Never assuming but always trying, even though it's hopeless, to figure out the problem. Also, gives you a chance to mess with peoples perception of you. Especially at school, with people I know but will never really get to know very well, I can tell them what ever I want and they have no choice but to believe it. So sometimes I will tell people thing that just throw them off and it's funny, to me. I don't know, makes my life more interesting, and frankly I just get bored. That or joking around with people, not everyone has the same sense of humor as me, so half the time I come of as a jerk, but I didn't mean it. Does this mean I should stop making jokes in fear that I might hurt someones feelings, because they took it the wrong way. Or is my humor sincere to my personality and their opinion of me doesn't matter. I couldn't tell you, just a thought.

Then here is a biggie and I'm kind of scared to say it but in my support I'm pretty sure that the people, if any, who take the time to read this will understand, so I'm just going to say it. My view of posting things about God and the Bible on facebook is very different from others. From my understanding my relationship with God is between He and I, that's it. I also know that if I ever post about God, I am not mature enough to do it without corrupt motives. I know my goal would be in glorifying myself, by proclaiming to everyone I read my Bible that morning, or just that I am so spiritual and what not. So that is what goes through my head. I have a view that I really don't have to post on facebook to prove how my relationship with God is going and how 'spiritually mature' I am, because it's not about status (on facebook, skidding). I know that and the only person I need care about is God. I don't need to prove myself to anyone and especially not through stupid facebook and let them all know that I am super spiritual, I think you get the point. Now at first when I saw other people doing this I thought they saw it exactly how I did and I would become critical. But honestly I guess some people really are sincere and get excited and don't think anything of it. Then I think what if people suppose I'm backsliding or a 'bad christian' or something because I don't post a Bible verse everyday. To that I say, none of your business, just kidding, it's more like I don't care. But trust me I have thought about it a lot, unfortunately. So tell me what you think ;)

I honestly could go like how people interpert music differently, blah blah blah but I got stuff to do, not really. But this has just been on my mind. I think for the rest of my days I will just listen to music and walk, two of my favorite things to do. Happy Sunday.

I wrote a poem, blah

I'm not really one for writing poems or anything but this came out today when I was writing. I'm not trying to show off because I know I'm no poet but I guess I just wanted to get it out and share. Here it is:

Today

Today is bright and I'm worried about my future.

Everything is up in the air, while I'm stuck on the ground.

Ideals so far away, I wish i could just reach out and grasp.

My opinions are worth nothing, unless valued by something.

The ultimate, contently forever happy.

That's all we want, but what do we do.

Find someone who cares, if we can.

Try not to care ourselves, feels impossible.

Just care for myself, that doesn't help anyone.

I'm stuck in a rut, better go searching.

I know it's not very good but it really did a good job in portraying what I was thinking, which is nice.

Snoop Dogg

So I think this will sum everything up: I love Snoop Dogg. This past week I have read the autobiography of Snoop Do-doubleG. First of all, it's a great book. I love the way Snoop talks and it sounds almost exactly how him. So come on. He teaches you a lot about the hood and how it really is. Tha hood, had always been extremely foreign to me and my outlook on it was basically just like what the media said, which is hardly ever correct. So I got the dirt on what's really going down and it was all actually really interesting. I mean its knowledge that I will probs never really need... but what the heck it's cool.

Snoop :) has taught me a loty. Because the thing is, he's smart. Defs not book smart but he really knows what's going on. He has a way of putting things so that they make sense, because he's real. In the start of his book he said, "That's why I've got to stay real, to remember where I came from and where I'm going. See, I didn't get sent out on this mission with nothing to cover my a$$ in a crossfire. A powerful weapon has been put at my disposal. The truth." I mean how cool is that. (and I know that he cussed but I think you can maybe over look that to see what he is saying, and a least he is sincere, okay). The lessons that Snoop has aquired in his life and then shared, are things that he has learned on his own and honestly can testify to. He didn't hear someone say it or just kinda learned from everyone else around him, he honestly and throughly grasped these concepts all by himself. And that is something not many people do these days. Some people are all talk, and the things they preach are just what they have heard all their lives but never really experienced... now not with my man Snoop. Some of the things he wrote, I never really heard in my life, and trust me I've heard a lot of stuff (if ya know what I mean *wink).

For example, he explained why even rich white kids like rap... "Looking out at those happy white people, bumping to the beat, flashing their signs and singing along to my words, I'd have to ask myself, What are they getting out of all this? How is it that they can relate to hip-hop as strong as anybody as black as I am? What's the connection? (truth and being real)... Because little white kids living in gated communities across this country want to be down with the brothers in the 'hood. We represent something to them- a freedom their mama and daddy can't ever buy." Here's another classic. "Making money is the bomb, don't get me wrong. But there's another reason youngsters are turning to the gangsta life style. It's cool, fool. Am I telling you something you don't know? Then, straight up, you are a fool and a bigger one than I thought.... Gangs are cool. Drug dealers are cool. Pimps and players are cool." He tells you straight up. And right now I can already hear you saying well blah, blah, blah, I don't look up to those guys.. but here's a question would you ever for one second mess with any of them.. exactly. I didn't grow up in the ghetto or anything but even I can see why this makes sense. I also learned a lot of interesting terms. Like, in the hood they use the term scrilla to describe paper money, and everyone wants to get some scrilla. Then I learned a lot of different terms for weed, like chronic, indo, kush, or a blunt. Like I said when will I need to know this.. I'm not sure but it doesn't hurt, hopefully.

So, Snoop is a Christian. Now before you go crazy and point out the obvious like he doesn't live the part and he smokes weed blah blah blah, just listen. You don't get to say it, I'm not letting you, because I'm saving you from feeling bad later. And maybe you won't but just hear me out.. for Snoop's sake. He grew up on the streets, and that is an experience that anyone who is reading this has never had to experience I'm almost positive. The struggles that he has been through are so much worse than anything I've ever known, but you know, he never complains about his past and still loves his 'hood, Long Beach. Respect. He gave his life to God when he was sentenced to jail for selling rock (cocaine, I learned the lingo), and his experience was honestly something so sincere you knew it was God who revealed himself to him so if anything you can't judge him on that. As I read the way Snoop described it yeah I cried, it touched me that much. Because the thing is everyone needs God even Snoop Dogg (rhyme) and it is really up to God to reveal himself to people, I can tell that it was genuine. "But it's funny how God works His game. Just when you think you've got Him figured out, some blindside twist of fate makes you understand that you can't figure Him out. That's why He's God and you're whoever the hell you are. He calls the shots, makes the moves, and keeps it all in check. You're just along for the ride... God isn't interested in any chicken heads on His team. He's looking for those who can prove their talk by the way they walk. And that was a lesson I was about to learn the hard way". <- Snoop Dogg said that! He talks about God a lot throughout the book and even though he's not really a role model type, he has things figured out pretty well and it's all through what God has revealed to him personally. He really understands the concept of things happening on God's timing and that is something we tend to forget. God takes time and we have time and it's all done on His time. I could honestly go on and on but I'll save leave it up to you to read the book I guess, if you've read this far already.

I guess one of the biggest things that really became clear through this book is that the more you learn about someone and hear about where they came from, the harder and harder it becomes to dislike them. First, all I knew about Snoop was that he was a lolz dude and has some sick rhymes. Now I know all about his life and if anyone says anything bad about him I will fight you with my witt and words. But the same goes with anyone really, just how you fall in love with someone (I don't want to say fall in love, not love, love, but a lovable respect) is simply by learning more about them and confiding in them. And I think that's why it's so dangerous and humans feel so vulnerable opening up all the time, myself included. I'm kinda cautious when I give out information about myself or you know hear someone's life story, because it's almost inevitable you will fall in love with them. This kinda leads you to wonder about love how finding the right 'one'. Well then, again not everyone thinks like me so maybe this isn't true for you, but whatever. I guess what I'm trying to say is just don't be so hard on people because if you actually could see where they are coming from I'm sure you would feel stupid for being so mean in the first place. And celebrities included. Now I'm not saying that this is always the case or that you should only see the good in people but at least see the good and the bad together. Ehh. I don't know. You can do what you want but this is just something kinda nice to think about. I honestly could just go on and on but I'll stop here.

So cheers to Snoop Dogg: you are great.

P.S.: I really miss my book. I have been thinking about it a lot and the jerk who stole it but. WHATEVER. I just really want to make some pics for peeps so if you want one let me know. I have an idea for some cool shirts though, not like anyone cares or probs read this but it's just a thought. and a very nice thought indeed.

more hawt art

This is maddie and I's projected summer... under maddie's dress it a bikini I bought her once in a dream. hawt

Here is a valentine I made awhile ago.. it's cute... no it's creepy and was meant to be so.

ya wavves. enough said.

triangles

I have come upon a decision that I find to me very important to my life. I love triangles. I never really payed much attention to them but lately they have just made my life. Just think about it triangles... right!

All their angles add up to 180 degrees, all the time without fail. That's cool. Then, when drawing designs on graph paper, you can always add on to a triangle because all the sides are straight. then you can manipulate them in any way you want, like you can have it be short, wide, tall, skinny, anything and they always look good. How nice is that, a triangle that always looks good. See with squares and rectangles those just take too much to make them look good and either way they always look annoying. Then like diamonds or really any quadrilateral, always remind me of controlling women... gross huu.

Then triangles have a lolz instrument named after them, because it is one... the triangle. Seriously, this is the most joyous instrument, when heard you can't just help but laugh and anyone can play it. Or what about the bermuda triangle.. come on you have to admit it, that's cool. Well, then think about how many triangles you can fit inside a triangle without it encompassing another. There are three sides and three vertexes, didn't Jesus rise on the third day or what about the trinity... I don't know but that's nice. You can have love triangles and you can easily make triangles with your fingers. It takes two triangles to make the Jewish star... trippy. There's so many different kinds of triangles and there's tons of math to go behind all of it. You know anything that is related to math better be important to me, ya. Aren't the pyramids just a bunch of triangles and you can cut grilled cheese into triangles. Trust me I could go on...

haha as you can probably tell, I haven't had any profound thoughts lately. My life is becoming more and more simple and it's nice. I have a nice schedule that I follow and even though it's kinda bland I like it. I have good friend and a pretty family. so really I'm kinda set. what does this have to do with triangles.. I'm not quite sure, maybe I like them because they are simple but you can get a lot out of them and all I want is for my life to be so. sure ;)